After writing my last post I had some fun reading through earlier posts. Things I had written a couple years ago. It’s funny how my posts changed from recipe centered to jokes and funny stories to almost more of a journal. And then there were the few more somber posts. Posts I wrote more for me than anyone else, except I felt a need to share them. I’m not exactly sure why I feel like telling some of my most precious moments to a blank screen that I know will ever be read by a handful of friends but has the potential to be read by anyone in the world, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
And this is one of those days. This is a post that I’ve written in my head a dozen times, but I just hadn’t gotten around to actually writing it. And tonight was not going to be that night either. I’ve got some Christmas presents to get made and shipped, and I have a nice quiet house to work in and the last Season of Sabrina the Teenage Witch to keep me company.
Before I started I did a quick scroll through Facebook. Someone had posted something earlier that I hadn’t gotten a chance to look at. And one thing let to another and I was watching the LDS Church’s #LightTheWorld video.
I got to the part in the video where it shows the Savior is healing the blind, and then there were several shots of Him helping people to stand. Those who had been lame, those who were dead and those who were kneeling before him seeking forgiveness. And that’s when I knew that before any projects got done tonight I would write this post.
I have had some rough patches this year, and the last few months have been a struggle. Earlier this year I mentioned to my Doctor that I thought my Anxiety medicine was making me sleepy. Like 3 hour naps a day sleepy. And another 3 house in a fog and 8-10 hours of sleep at night. So SLEEPY. So we started trying new medicines.
6 new medicines to be exact. I think the longest I lasted on any of them was a month. One made me cry for 24 hours because my friend got something that I didn’t. Yeah. Can we say whiny at all? Another made me numb inside and going off it made me crazy OCD. And I mean CRAZY. Another worked amazing and I lost 5 pounds, but broke out in hives with an allergic reaction. Another was supposed to make me hyper and made me sleepy instead. You get the picture.
Anyway, so not only have I been dealing with the Anxiety but all this different medicine in and out of my system, it has been hard. Bluntly, I just haven’t been myself. I was overwhelmed and moody and having different issues all the time and not finding good coping mechanisms. It has not been pretty.
Then a couple of weeks ago I woke up and I was just in a mood. I was starting to realize that my latest medicine was the culprit and that I would have to stop taking it. I could so eloquently write all the things that made that day a bad day but the truth is, it wasn’t much. I was just in a funk, and my brain wasn’t working right. So here are the highlights.
Around 4:30 I grabbed my coat and drove to run a quick errand I had been putting off all day. I was grumpy and miserable. On my way home, I notice the van didn’t feel right, but it was a road I don’t frequently drive on so I thought maybe it was something about the road. Then I noticed the dashboard wasn’t level. THEN I realized that I had a flat tire. I pulled over and called Randall…… Who was not at his desk. I fell apart.
So I started walking home. As it was getting dark. And the wind was blowing. And it was about 20 degrees. Trying with all my might not to loose it. At least I had good walking shoes and my coat. Sometimes when I’m running a quick errant I just grab a sweatshirt and crank up the heat in the van.
I thought of all the stories you hear about people needing help and their Home Teachers just show up. Or a friend is prompted to make a call. And I thought, OK this will be the time that I need someone and they will just be there. So I put on a brave face and kept walking. And cars drove past and I felt worse and worse and so very alone. Finally I just kind of shut down.
About a half mile from my house a friend did see and gave me a ride the rest of the way home. It was a blessing, but I couldn’t see it. Randall had gotten my message and gone to find me, but I hadn’t heard my phone and we just missed each other.
Seth had a camp out that night so Randall loaded Seth’s gear into the truck and they headed off to the campsite.
I ordered Pizza for the other kids and then I just started falling apart. I knew I needed to talk to someone but I just couldn’t make the call. And my phone wasn’t magically ringing. I felt so alone, so broken, so abandoned. And with a silent prayer that really had no words I just took a leap of faith and texted a friend. It was literally all I could do in that moment.
It wasn’t long until she was over at my house listening to me be crazy and irrational, letting me talk through everything and mostly just being there.
Then that night I got a message from my niece. She’s been sending me a scripture each day. And that day there was a scripture about prayer. I just reread it and truthfully it isn’t a particularly comforting scripture but in that moment I was overcome with the knowledge that God is real and He loves me and He was taking care of me. And when I couldn’t even raise my voice to pray, when I couldn’t even think a prayer I turned my heart to Him, and He heard me.
I stopped taking that medicine and my Doctor is now trying a different approach, and with my head clear I am so humbled, so grateful for the Lord’s tender mercies. He did not send me what I wanted, or what I thought I needed, he sent me what I really needed. It was perfect.
So when I was watching the Light the World video tonight and I saw the people rising I just had to share. He has not healed me of blindness or lameness,or any physical infirmity. But Spiritually He holds out his hands and with his help I can put one step forward each day. I do not deserve His love and yet he gives it so fully anyway. He is my Savior, my personal Redeemer, and with His help I will not ever give up. I will keep fighting and doing my best in this world. And someday I will see Him again and He will pick me up, and maybe then I will find the words to say Thank You. For now I want to share that feeling, that knowledge.